from the past 3 years

so, hey.

for the past month, I’ve been posting of what mostly contains my emotions. it made me go through another series of sobbing and staring at nothingness—one last hoorah before saying goodbye. it also made me numb for so long. for what writers called, an absence of passion. or simply known as writer’s block.

for my first blog (it sounds odd for me. is there another word for that?) I will be writing of how May went for the past three years; of how it has always felt like New Year’s than January 1.

[ 2 0 1 4 – when it felt like a beginning ]
it was the very first day of May I met you.

“I’ve got to admit. I can’t stop thinking about… you?”
— 1 May ’14

[ 2 0 15 – neutrality wasn’t an emotion, it was a phase ]
nothing much happened. later this year, I had to give you up.

“why can’t I fall in love with you like I used to?”
— 23 September ’15

“thank you for not giving up on me
avoiding conflicts
even as much it was from me”
— 3 October ’15 11:45 PM

avoid is such a strong word. preferably it’s just that, we left it as it is, until there was nothing. oh boy I was capricious.

“have you ever thought about letting go
at something you held on for so long?
have you ever think that a certain relationship
would last?
were you trying to move on?
if so
then we’re perfectly even”
— 4 October ’15 11:14 PM

[ 2 0 1 6 – me, starring as an emotional wreck ]
was at home all day and forcibly watch films where every time someone dies or at least that heartwarming moment, I cry. I freaking cried that my throat had also to endure pain every swallow. The Notebook is an exception but The Purge: Anarchy? Damn it. Shane. I was that fragile.

“from the long pause of gunshots, it was about to be alright. but the guy received tons of bullets then he was gone. for a moment, the girl and I shared the same pain.”
— 1 April ’16

I cried a lot that summer. the wound was still open in a long time but healing cannot be rushed. neither can I ignore.

“been 5 months since his disappearance
I still write about him
I still can’t believe you’re gone.”
— 5 May ’16

I tend to ignore looking at calendars because it just so happens to trigger me that, “oh, it’s that day of the month,” and a tsunami of words once more invaded my whole being and count how long it has been and mourn until I fall asleep. or I just don’t like the idea that days went by so fast when I’m still stuck in mud.

worse, it wasn’t just his aftermath I was enduring, but also another soul going beyond my reach.

“all I want to ask was your time and attention
and I can’t seem to have that even for a single bit
what do I lack from people who’re still within your reach?”
— 13 April ’17, unsent

“I gave out blissful moments and set aside the world before us.
that’s how she had the best parts of me.”
— 17 April ’17

[ 2 0 1 7 – as they say, ‘every end is a new beginning’ ]
“I have great freaking friends who are there for me
why did I ever bother making an effort just to be with you
when you clearly don’t want to be with me
what a waste tears for wondering why it didn’t work out”
— 12 May ’17

things didn’t end up as desired. it took me a lot of distractions and reasons to convince myself it’s going to be better without the person I am mostly depending on.
and so? okay, I gave up
but hey, the year I knocked myself to have the guts to make a change for myself.

“you just stop being the person that makes
them happy and start making yourself happy”
— 22 May ’17

all these times I cried and cried and never got over it. I found myself stuck on relapse. and besides, this school year left and I am off to college. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. this is the “I should have done it earlier” moment and here I am now on the verge of May. this is the year of the month I have been productive and most proud of myself than the previous years in school.

thinking of it now, the heartache felt like a really long time ago.

in addition: the sequences within (from 22 May and previous) early 2017 are as same as I was enduring from a post entitled “02 AM: unrequited?” back in 6 May ’17

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